Just Lying Low

I know you guys have all been wondering where I've been lately. (all 3 of you who read my blog lol) I just want to let you know that we are alive...it has been a very emotionally draining couple of months and when things start to look up again, something else comes along that reminds us of what we lost. I never expected to feel like this, and my hope is that someday soon we will have our baby girl in our arms AND be able to bring her home and be with her forever. There is a lot of random stuff I should catch up on...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Disneyland on New Years posts. Also the post about our new home that we bid on and won the bid today in Syracuse. I'm not exactly sure when we will be moving in and it literally kills me thinking about packing up and painting over the nursery knowing that our baby girl was not brought home to that room, the room that I labored with so much love over. We are trying to find a rainbow to this storm and while the new house, our OWN house, is a little bit of a clearing, I fear the worst won't be over until our little girl is home with us. I'm just trying to live day to day, enjoying my boys' and my husband as much as I can. I do admit that I have been in my own little world lately and haven't branched out much to other people. Just making it through each day is my priority. I will be back soon with updates and hopefully a more positive attitude but until then...I hope you guys are doing well.

Merry Christmas...from us

27 Things to do Before I Turn 28

Today it has been a month since Emily (or "P" for the name that N decided to give her) was born. It has been one extremely rough month. I think that I have been through every stage of grief at least 5 times each. I grieve for the loss of the daughter whom we thought was ours, but I also grieve for the hole in my heart....in our hearts. Since we found out that I was not to get pregnant again, it had been a roller coaster of emotions. I was so happy with my two biological boys' and with my husband. If I didn't get to have any more kids I still felt complete. Of course, a few months down the line we started to feel like there was something (or actually, someone) missing, and that was when we truly felt that we needed to begin the adoption process. There was another child out there waiting to come to our eternal family. It was a feeling that I could not deny. And so, we began our adoption journey. It has been a very long and emotionally draining road, and if I wasn't so sure about our child being out there somewhere I wouldn't want to put myself or my family through these emotions again. I am still so happy and blessed with the family that I have, but now there is a hole in my heart that cannot be completely filled until our daughter is home with us and eternally ours.

The other day I was cleaning out my office and found my unfinished "27 things to do before I turn 28" list. I had started out with good intentions but as time went on and things got busier, I just forgot about it. Finding this list was really good for me because it helped me to put some focus into something else besides our adoption. My heart needs to start healing and so doing some activities just for me sounds like a good way to start. I only had about 20 items on that list but was able to come up with a few more things to add. I am now struggling to come up with two more but if I think about it a little harder, I'm sure I can come up with something. This list was totally random...Some easy and some hard. I did realize that I have actually completed some of the things on my list already, so that's a pretty good start. I only have until March 23rd so it will be good to get out and complete my list soon. (the ones that are capitalized are the ones I've completed so far.)

1. Adopt a baby girl
* Yes, that was at the top of my list and is still going to stay there...If anything just for hope.

2. DO A TRIATHLON
* August 1, 2009 Read about it here

3. Sing Karaoke
* it's been so long since I have done anything like that...I would love to do it again. Probably for a girls' night out...anybody want to join me?

4. Learn to ice skate
* another one I've been meaning to do...nope, I've never been ice skating...who wants to go?

5. TAKE A TRIP TO THE BEACH
* I've done that one three times this year already...thank goodness for my business trips:0) (oh, and I got to take the boys' when we drove down for my grandma's funeral).




6. Read at least 10 books
* I have read 8 so far this year...normally I read more than that, but my focus this year was on the nursery and getting stuff ready for the baby.

7. Complete 100 scrapbook pages
* well, I have 28...also a record low...I guess I better get going on that one

8. GO TO A CONCERT
* I went to see Brad Paisley in September with Teresa. It was great!




9. SEW MY FIRST BLANKET
* I've sewed like 10 blankets...I'm pretty good now and have branched out to other things

10. Run 3 5k's
* I've done 2 so far...the Susan G. Komen one and the Layton one on the 4th of July. The one on Thanksgiving was supposed to be my 3rd, but I didn't train for it because that was N's due date...so I will have to get one in the spring

11. Learn to ski or snowboard
* Haven't been able to do that yet....I really need to go though...who knows of any *good and cheap* places for beginner lessons? Maybe even just one lesson?

12. VISIT SOMEPLACE I'VE NEVER BEEN
* I went to Denver in April to shoot Amber's wedding (Thanks for helping me cross that off my list Amber! lol) I also went to Idaho...I had never been there either!



13. Learn to knit
* I actually changed that one to "learn to crochet" because I started going to Crochet club with Cortney...right now I can do a chain stitch and that's about it! lol Bring on the granny crafts!

source

14. Paint a canvas
* I just bought my easel (a Christmas present for me)...so sometime after Christmas

15. FINISH A DUATHLON
* May 2, 2009 Read about it Here

16. GO ON A RIDE ALONG WITH SHAWN
* The most boring night of my life! lol j/k it just happened to be really SLOW that night. We are trying to do another one though...on a night that is busier with more excitement.

17. A WHOLE Night away with my honey
* any takers for babysitters? The problem is that Shawn's off on weeknights, so there is nobody to watch the boys' because they would work the next morning.

18. Organize my photo CD's/DVD's
* I have a million of them...organizing is a good goal I think.

19. Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again
* About halfway done with that

20. Buy our house
* actually it's turned into, buy A house. We are at a crossroads right now and there is a chance we may be moving homes.

21. Start a creativity group
* I think it would be good to get together once a month with people (sort of like a book group) and learn new things from others like painting, knitting, sewing, anything really. Even just having it as a time to catch up on unfinished projects would be great.

22. Take the boys' to Disneyland again
* New Year's Day since I will be in Cali to shoot a wedding (probably going to be crazy crowded though...)

23. The lost disposable camera project
* click here http://www.flickr.com/groups/1107768@N24/ for details

24. Obtain a clarinet and start playing again
* I miss playing a lot. I would love to have a piano, but those cost a little bit more...lol

25. Go hiking in Zion National Park
* I think I can pull this off since it won't be as cold down south

26.
27.

So...I still need to come up with 2 more, but for now I am working on what I have. If you have any ideas of something to do (not too hard, but definitely interesting, because it is already almost January and I only have until March) let me know!

"One day at a time" seems too daunting...

..."one minute at a time" is more like it.

While blog hopping yesterday I found a quote from Elder Wirthlin that helped me view this experience as something more than just a loss...

" 'For I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.' "

"Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.
The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

-Elder Wirthlin

I also stumbled upon this amazing article on Patience...it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Surgeries and Hospitals...yuck

I've been so preoccupied lately with everything going on that I haven't been keeping up with the little things on my blog. Since this is basically my journal, I figure I need to post about some of the other things, besides our failed placement, that have been going on in our lives.

Cole had his tonsils and adenoids taken out on November 9th. They were humongous and were ruining his sleep and breathing. He had started to wet the bed which he never really did before. The doctor told us that because of his tonsils taking up so much space, it was causing sleep apnea which caused him to not get a good night's sleep, which meant that he was in a different cycle of sleep at different times and wouldn't feel the urge to go to the bathroom. It was becoming a mess and so we knew that he had to get them taken out...for his sanity and for ours. We have been so blessed that none of ours boys' have had any major health problems...but it is still so hard to see your little one going into surgery.

Waiting to go into surgery....we waited almost 2 hours. It was pretty crazy.

Cole- chilaxin before surgery

Me and my baby boy:0)

Cole got a little frog and he named him Manny (I don't know why!)

Pretending to sleep...we had two hours to kill! lol

Going for a ride...that was his favorite part of waiting. He got some pretty good speed!

Saying goodbye to my baby...he was so brave.

After about 45 minutes of screaming (he was not happy when he woke up from the anesthesia) I was finally able to calm him down and he fell asleep...we had to wait another 3 hours before he could go home, but luckily he slept most of that time.

Poor little guy:0(

Nope, he was not happy at all...

...until he found out they had popsicles...

...and that he could ride out in a wheelchair.

We thought recovery wasn't going to be too bad, but the first 2 nights were horrible. The 3rd night I ended up taking him to the ER because his temperature had been at 104 degrees all day and he was having difficulty breathing. Turns out that he had pneumonia and wasn't getting enough oxygen, so they admitted him to Mckay Dee Hosptial. (I have a couple of photos from that but they are on my phone and I haven't figured out how to upload them yet). It was the saddest thing seeing Cole in such bad shape and having to spend 2 nights with him in the hospital. It was also exhausting. He was so sick of taking all the medicines that it was a huge fight whenever we had to give them to him. (he was on like 6 different ones.) The pediatric nurses were AMAZING though. I don't think I have ever had that good of an experience in the hospital. They set up a little treasure hunt for him so that he could start walking and breathing without the oxygen mask and he thought it was the most fun thing. I don't think he really wanted to leave the hospital. He got to watch movies all day, he got to paint and play with new toys. It was actually kind of nice for me too, just to kind of get away from the house and not to have to worry about "cleaning" and getting stuff done there.

He is doing much better now. He still sounds like he inhaled helium and the doctor told us that wouldn't fade much more (I guess the big tonsils were keeping his voice lower). That's a little sad to me because I miss his old voice...and this one is actually a little more annoying! lol. I am so thankful that it is over with now though and that he is ok! I don't like seeing my boys' in pain.

Oh, and I found a couple of pictures from the last surgery he had when he was 2 1/2...he had a Hydrocele removed in April of 2007. I can't believe how little he looks here!

Before surgery...after spending the night in the ER with what the nurses "thought" was a hernia...they gave him some local pain medicine and tried to push it back in. Cole screamed the whole time and I cried because he was in so much pain!! I was not happy with the nurses after that.

Checking out his awesome hospital slippers

He's too happy, which means he's not really sure what's about to happen

After getting his sleepy medication...he was so out of it by the time they wheeled him off.

after surgery...my poor little man:0(

Devastation

On November 18th, 2009 after years of waiting and months of planning, our precious baby girl was born. On November 20th, Placement Day, our birth mother decided not to place. We are truly confused and heartbroken.

I haven't written much about my feelings throughout this process so I figure now is as good of time as any to bring them to the surface.

When we met N (our birthmom) for the very first time, I knew her. I mean, I had never met her before, but when she walked up and sat down on the bench outside the Olive Garden, I knew it was her. I could only see her face, I couldn't tell she was pregnant (she is a very tiny girl anyways so she wasn't really showing at 27 weeks). But in that instant I knew that it was going to be a good first meeting. We had our two boys' with us, which I was kind of leary about, but N told us that she wanted to meet them and so we brought them and just told them we were meeting a friend for dinner. I can say that there were some awkward pauses during the dinner but overall it went really great. We learned so much about her and her life. We talked for a long time, the waiters' probably wanted us to leave. She was the sweetest girl. I didn't know how she felt about us when we first sat down, if she was just meeting with us or if she had already made up her mind, but when she asked the boys "do you want a baby sister or a baby brother?" I knew that she had already decided. Both boys, of course, announced baby sister. N went out to her car and brought back a build-a-bear box (which I could see through a little piece of and saw that there was pink sticking out so I got really excited!!) and she then had us open it and said "you're going to have a daughter"!!! She then told the boys as she put her hands on her belly "This baby is all yours!" Shawn and I (and Blake and Cole) were more than ecstatic! Tears came to my eyes almost instantly and I hugged her. I've always felt like the baby that was waiting to come to our family was a girl. N had picked us to be the eternal family of her baby girl. She had found the family that God had chosen for her baby. I knew I owed her more than I could ever give her. It felt perfect and she even told us that before we met, when she was just looking at our profile, she knew that this baby was meant to come to our family. What an amazing spiritual experience that must have been to have that confirmed to you. N was our Angel...

Before I go on I do have to say that about two weeks prior to her email we had had a family fast and Temple day for finding our birth mom and her finding us.

We got together with N pretty much every week for the next 3 months of her pregnancy. We went to dinner, to the zoo (we had to find fun things for the kids to do), we went bowling and to the pumpkin patch and on October 17th we had a baby shower. We prayed for N every day that she would be comforted because we knew it had to be so hard on her to hang out with us and know that we were going to be the ones that would be raising her baby. We grew to love her so much and that little princess she was carrying...we never had a doubt in our mind that little Emily was not meant to come to our family. She was our daughter...we all knew that.

When N called us on November 17th and said she was being induced I could hardly contain my excitement. I had been so nervous all day because we knew it was a possibility and so we were making all the arrangements we had to. The boys' went and stayed the night and part of the next day with a friend (thanks again Cortney) and we drove the hour to the hospital she was delivering at. That was the LONGEST hour of my life! When we got there we were able to be in her room while she was in labor (she was just getting her epidural so she wasn't in too much pain but as most moms know, even though you have an epidural you still just feel like crap but with much less pain). She wasn't dialating fast so we knew it was going to be awhile. We got there about 6pm and maybe got about 30 minutes of sleep that night (we were way too excited, nervous and uncomfortable to sleep). When she started pushing the next morning we waited outside the room. We heard Emily's first cries at 5:57am and both Shawn and I cried (well, he "teared up" lol) She was so beautiful from what we could see. We weren't allowed in the room (N was getting stitched up and delivering the placenta and all that) and we were so anxious to be able to hold her but we knew that this was N's time and we wanted her to have it with her. We waited in the waiting room for 2 hours when she finally got up to the recovery room...and then it was time. We got to hold our daughter for the first time. I was in love...I had been in love with her from before we learned about her but this was now my daughter... Seeing Shawn with her was the most beautiful thing...AMAZING! Daddy's little girl. I couldn't bear to leave her but we wanted N to have as much time with her as she wanted...so we left. It broke my heart but I knew that we would be with her soon. We went home, showed Blake and Cole pictures and they were so excited to be bringing home their baby sister the next day! We found out that placement was not going to be until Friday though (2 days away) and that actually made us nervous. Throughout the whole time we knew N I was never worried about her changing her mind. I knew, that she knew, that her baby was meant to come to our family and we felt so strongly about it too. We knew that it is always a possibility for birth moms to change their minds but it was NEVER a big fear of ours.

We went back the next day to see N and to see baby Emily. We talked with her and her mom about bringing Emily up to see their family the day after Thanksgiving...we were going to have a very open adoption with them...it just made sense. The more I held little Emily the more in love with her I grew. Shawn and I fought over who got to hold her and when our time was up with her (we had to go pick Blake up from school and we really wanted to let N and her mom have more time with Emily) it once again broke my heart that we were leaving. *That was actually the last time we saw her.* We went home and Blake had told his friends and teachers that we were going to be bringing home our baby tomorrow. Blake has autism, he gets excited about things but never really understands some of them...but he understood everything about getting his baby sister and he was more excited than I have ever seen him. When we got home Shawn had to go to work and I had to drive around (pretty far out of my way) to pick up last minute things for N's placement presents. While I was out she texted me and told me that placement might be postponed until later Friday afternoon/evening. That worried me a lot...I don't know why, it just did. I couldn't sleep that night. The next morning I was so anxious waiting to hear news back from N that I decided to go see "New Moon" (since it had just come out in theaters) to keep my mind off the placement. Right before I walked out the door our caseworker called. She told us that N was having second thoughts. I was a complete mess, my world was crumbling, but I still had to leave...I just couldn't sit around waiting for another call like that. I cried the whole time during that movie praying that she would remember why she was placing her baby and the feelings she felt when she knew that we were the right family. I even had to leave the theater half way through because I felt so sick. It was then that I called Shawn back to see if he had heard anything else from our caseworker and that was when he told me that N had decided to single parent. It was a knife through my chest. Our daughter was gone in that instant...Blake and Cole's baby sister was gone...telling the boys' was the hardest thing I had to do. They were heartbroken. We were devastated.

I can't even begin to explain all the emotions I have been going through this past week. Shawn said it best when he said that "it feels like we had a baby girl and that she died in the hospital." A part of me has died...I am beyond heartbroken. This was our baby girl, we had waited so long for her and loved her more than anything.

I do understand how hard it must have been for N...to place your baby with someone else. We know a lot of birth moms and when they describe the pain I can't even imagine what it must be like (actually, I can begin to imagine now). In a way though I am upset that she knew she was having second thoughts and yet she still let us in. She let us in to hold Emily, to take pictures, and to go home and tell the boys' that their baby sister was coming home. That one gets me the most...I never do anything to intentionally hurt my kids...and yet they are now suffering from the greatest loss they have felt in their short lives.

I know, that despite confirmations from the Spirit, people have their free agency. It is so very hard to rely on someone else's faith for something you want more than anything in the world. We are now back to square one in finding our baby girl. We have waited so so so long and the waiting was killing me even toward the end of N's pregnancy. The nursery is completed, we have EVERYTHING and MORE for our little girl, and I now have to close the door to her room because it breaks my heart every time I look in there. Blake and Cole keep asking when we will be getting "our" baby Emily. I still have hope (insane hope I think) that N will realize all the reasons that she was going to place in the first place. Her daughter having a mom and a dad, having an eternal family...it is a hope that is dwindling more and more now that Emily (actually she changed her name) is a week old.

So, what do we do now? Well, I am pleading with our Father in Heaven to help our new birth mom find us. Despite what we have been through I still have a very strong testimony of the miracle that is adoption...on both sides. I don't know how much longer I can wait...even though N was 27 weeks when we met her it was still the LONGEST 12 weeks....because we have been waiting for 2 1/2 years to find her. I am still in great pain and probably will be for a long time. We have lost a daughter...no other way to put it than that.

Our adoption profile is now back up...so please, help us spread the word. Thanks to all our amazing friends who have been there for us during the ups and downs of this process. If I didn't believe that we have a daughter out there waiting to come home to us, I probably wouldn't have the strength to go through the process again. I put together a little video about our loss using a song that helps me get through the tough times...it's like my theme song.

Also, I have posted this video to my facebook a couple of times but I wanted to post it here. It was made by an amazing birth mother- her adoption story. I still truly believe in the miracle of adoption.

Find more videos like this on Adoption Voices

The Countdown is On!!!!

Wow, I can't believe it has been more than a month since I have posted! Mainly because it seems like it is going by so slowly waiting for our little girl to get here! There has been so much to do and I am worried that I won't have everything that I want done ACTUALLY DONE by the time Emily Jane is born, but, at the same time, I feel like it's taking forever to get here. (We actually thought she might be born a couple of days ago because our birth mom's doctor told her the baby wasn't growing and they might need to deliver her so she could grow outside the womb. Thankfully when she went to get the tests done, they found that the doctor was wrong and she is growing just fine!! Our BM is 35 weeks and 3 days today!) Sometimes I just sit in her nursery and daydream of the day she comes home and gets to see her nursery for the first time. (not that she will care when she's a couple of days old...but it will still be sweet!) I've put a lot of thought and love into her nursery and even though I wish I could do so much more, (we were kind of limited because of the fact that we don't know how long we will be staying in this house and of course money reasons) I still LOVE how it turned out!! Almost everything we have in that room was something we already had or were given so the main money went into the paint, the fabric, the little odds and ends and of course, all the clothes and the things that I have made too. Blake and Cole used the same crib; the dresser was from my sister (it was too big to fit in her place); the princess netting came from our neighbor and we are going to be getting a glider from a friend of mine which i will paint and recover. The shelves and frames we had already and I just painted them...I mean, I truly loved seeing how this room came together and I am so happy I was able to do this for our little girl. So...most of you have seen these photos on facebook but just in case other people happen to read my blog (all 2 of you:0) ) I'm going to post them here. ***Emily Jane's nursery***- minus the rocker/glider

I have loved this fabric ever since I first saw it and wanted her bedding to be made out of it. Although it wasn't my first vision, I still love how it turned out!

Some of the maternity photos I took of our birth mom are going to be put inside those frames as well...

I know that the curtains are too high but I didn't feel like fixing holes and redoing it so they are staying for now!

the hutch could use a few cute books on the shelf...

Some things I've made for her...
Hair clip jars

2 little pinafore dresses/shirts...i am working on a few more too, just waiting for my fabric to come in




blankets

Our birth mom's favorite color is purple so I wanted to make a blanket with purple in it.

A tu-tu....for pictures after she is born...i want to make another one with brighter colors though
And also, I am in the process of making a cute car seat cover/shell and I've made plenty of hair bows and clips for her too!
I made our birth mom a blanket/quilt to match the bedding I made for Emily Jane but I forgot to take a good picture of it before I gave it to her at our baby shower. (those pictures to come later).

Also, on another note....most of you who are on facebook know what our birth mom's name is and have seen pictures of her because facebook is only available to my friends. Until Emily's birth and placement, for privacy reasons, I am not going to post photos of her on my blog since it is not private. She honestly probably wouldn't care but until everything is final I just want to keep it this way...although it kind of sucks because i do have AMAZING maternity shots of her that we took last weekend and a lot of photos from her at the baby shower that I am going to have to crop her out of when I put them on my blog.

Baby Registry

I'm all for the baby registries at places like Target, Babies R us and so forth. For first time parents or parents who haven't had a lot of time to get their own things together it is so worth it to have people pick out all the "much needed" items for you and the baby. I was trying to think of the things that I would register for and really, we have had so much time to prepare for this baby, that we don't really need any of the "practical" things. We have it all (although diapers and formula will definitely add up as soon as the baby comes!). The things I DO want, however, aren't sold through places with a registry so how do I register for the things that I would love to have?

Things like this for carrying the baby around.

Or these for the many MANY photoshoots I will have with our baby girl!

There are so many awesome things out there that are not found at Target (I know I know...i might be struck by lighting for saying that!) and I just want to give every small business owner a chance!!:0)

Anyways, just something i was thinking about...

Adoption Donation Yard Sale

We will be having a HUGE yard sale to help us earn money for our adoption costs. The yard sale will be Friday September 25th and Saturday September 26th at my friend Cortney's house-

310 W 1050 N
Layton, Utah 84041

(Thanks for letting us use your yard and expertise Cort!!)

If any of you have things that you were going to take to the D.I anyways and would like to instead donate to us for the yard sale, just let us know and we will come by and get it from you!!

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With that said, I am now in mourning....
mourning what used to be...
mourning what is probably not going to be again anytime soon...
mourning the fact that I am going to be selling and giving away something that has meant so much to me over the years...
..................................................
my size 3 jeans. my size 5 jeans. my size small shirts. the clothes that made me look good.
everything that i have been hanging onto with the hope that one day i would fit back into them again. It's painful and sad to be giving them up but I know that they are going to serve a better purpose...to help us pay for our baby.

I've held onto them as "motivation" but really they were just taking up space. I, however, did pick out one outfit to keep so i guess i still have a little more motivation. (I WILL get back there soon...I'm determined!!)

So, I guess it's goodbye for now sweet jeans. You will be missed greatly:0(

For those of you size 5ers out there...don't miss our yard sale!! (Which will also have PLENTY of scrapbook products too!)

*sneak peek*

While Emily's nursery is not all the way finished yet, I did want to show some of what I have so far. I think once I get the curtains and finish the bedding I will probably want to move things around and change/add some wall decor. (In fact I know I will!) But, I just had to share the colors!!! I had originally picked a "Chic Lime" color of green for the walls but then later decided on "Stem Green" and also decided that since there were going to be so many colors in her room, I needed a neutral color to bring everything together...so I painted two of the walls a "Bittersweet Chocolate" color. I really love the colors!! Especially with the pink on the changing table/dresser! I wanted to add chair rail molding and do the brown on the bottom, green on the top, but we can't do a whole lot of changing to the house yet so that will have to wait. I can't wait until the room is COMPLETELY finished and, of course, can't wait until Emily is born so we actually get to use it!!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!

We have been chosen to adopt a baby girl due November 26!!! Our birth mom gave us this build-a-bear when we met with her for dinner last night. She is the cutest, sweetest, and funnest (i know that's not a word but it fits!) girl!! I will post more later...right now I am off to pick up kids from school...with a huge smile on my face!:0)
(and a prayer in my heart for our angel birth mom)

One email is all it takes...hopefully:0)

It has been 2 years since we put in our application with LDS Family Services to begin our adoption journey. It has been over a year since our home study was finished and approved, and it has been 8 months since our profile was put on itsaboutlove.org. In that 8 months, our profile has been looked at 1226 times, our photo album was looked at 323 times, our "getting to know us" page had been looked at 159 times, and our "contact us" page had been looked at 63 times. Of all of those 63 times, we have gotten one email from a birth mother...JUST ONE......................................................
.and that came Friday morning. (Well, actually late Thursday night but I didn't check my email until Friday morning). I check my email all the time, waiting and wondering if this might be the day that we will finally get an email. I keep thinking maybe there is something wrong with the email and so I keep checking our profile to make sure the email is updated with them. On Friday, August 28th, I was taking my sweet time getting to my email (it was more important that I checked facebook first lol!) and of course with facebook notifications and sale ads there was like 75 emails I had to go through. Normally I delete first but as I scrolled down the page I saw in the "subject" column the words "COUPLE_CONTACT"... exactly like that, screaming out to me in huge black capital letters! So what did I do? No, I didn't faint...I yelled for Shawn! I automatically went shaky and found it was hard to breathe. What was it going to say? What was the email going to look like? Was it just a scammer like I have heard other adoptive parents talk about? I had never gotten an email like this before!! Let me tell you, it was sweetest worded letter. Only about 4 senteces long and i couldn't stop reading it over and over again. (I'm not going to post the letter). How could 4 little sentences sound so sweet? Because they could possibly be about our baby.

Shawn and I froze as we hit the reply button...our minds wouldn't work and our fingers wouldn't touch the keyboard. What do we write back? What do we ask? What if we offend her in some way? It took us 30 minutes to even come up with the first line and then we sent in for reinforcements...i called my good friend Tina to ask for advice she she has been through this many times. About an hour later we finally sent a reply email that didn't make us seem too cheesy. That was so hard!!! Of course, that was all I could think about....getting a reply back from her. Luckily it only took another hour or two to hear back. She wanted to call us that night and talk to us. If there is anything I am more nervous about than writing an email to a birth mother, it is talking on the phone with one. I have a serious phone phobia!!! I will normally only call Shawn or my mom. I will call other people if I really have to but I try to stick with emails, texts and facebook! So, Shawn had to go to work and I was left to wonder when she was going to call, if she was going to call, what would i say so that there wouldn't be any awkward pauses. To make a long story short, she called. She was just as nervous as me and after we got of the phone we texted each other about how nervous we both were! We talked about how it might be easier to talk in person. The next morning (Saturday) she called and we set up a day and time to meet. So...on Wednesday, we are meeting her for dinner. I am soooo nervous!! I feel like I am going on a first date! What should I wear? How am i going to lose at least 5 lbs before Wednesday? Should I dye my hair before hand to make sure none of my gray roots show?! SERIOUSLY!!! What will she think of me? Of us? Of my boys'? Plus, now I'm like "Wednesday is too far away!" I want to meet her now! She sounded so sweet in her emails and texts and on the phone! She definitely sounds like someone I would be friends with.

With all of that, I am trying to keep my feet on the ground. Who knows if she will decide to pick us...and who knows if we will really make it to placement time or if she decides that she wants to parent. Who knows if this is even our baby. I have felt really good about this but I feel like I am not in my best state of mind right now to discern all the feelings I am having. I am a ball of mixed emotions but my excitement overpowers all of the negative thoughts!! She is due in November and she knows what she is having but she wants to keep it a secret for just a little while longer. That makes me nervous but, you know, if Heavenly Father really wants us to have a boy then we were meant to have a boy. He will just live in a very girly room until we change it!! lol

I'm nervous, I'm excited, I can't wait!!! I hope the next few days go by fast!!

8 Years!

Happy Anniversary baby!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

"If You Build It, They Will Come"

Since we moved into our new house in March, I've been busy planning out what Emily Jane's nursery is going to look like. Sometimes I just sit in her room, look around and imagine having her in my arms rocking her to sleep (ok, note to self- need to get a rocker). I have always wanted to decorate a little girls' nursery and know that if I wait until after we get her, I probably won't have the time or the energy to finish it. So I am decorating now. Plus, I hope that the saying is true "If you build it, they will come." Let me tell you, decorating a girls' nursery is so much fun!!!

I started with the easiest thing for me to do...painting the dresser.

(This is a semi-before picture)

I chose to paint the inside of the hutch the dark pink color that is prominent on the fabric I am using for her bedding.

(These are the fabric and colors and I am using)

Here's the finished product!! Well, kind of...the dresser decor is not done, I just threw some things up there for now. I really love how it turned out!

Now that the easier part is done, I have worked my way up to painting the ceiling, molding, and closet doors white (right now they are that "new house tan" color). Painting the ceiling is a pain in the neck (Literally!!!) but it is looking good. Once I finish with everything that needs to be painted white I am going to start on the wall color which will be this "Chic Lime" color by Benjamin Moore paints (This photo is from the Pottery Barn Teen catalog...that's my favorite catalog!! I LOVE all the bright colors!)

I already have the dresser drawers stocked with burp cloths, blankets, onesies, washcloths...

...but that doesn't stop me from making more!!! I made this blanket last night and I absolutely love it! It is sooo comfy I am going to make one for myself in a bigger size:0)

(oh, and I used the blanket scraps to make this nifty little plush ball toy too!)

of course I haven't shown you the closet full of clothes yet...I will have to show you that later when the whole room is done and I post pictures.

I am ready! The room may not be all the way done but we are so ready to welcome our baby girl into our lives!!! We know that "you don't just get A baby, you get YOUR baby" and we are searching for her and praying for her birth mom. So, to put this out there again, if you know of anyone who may be placing their baby for adoption, please have them look at our profile to see if we are the family that their little girl was meant to be a part of...our eternal family!
https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/10440835/ourMessage.jsf
They can contact us through the site or email us at ParfaitAG@aol.com

(I just also realized that today is the 2 year anniversary of the day we turned in our application to LDS Family Services. What a long process it has been so far but we are hoping for a little one soon:0) )

TriGirl

(My only triathlon photo)

Layton Triathlon- August 1, 2009
Well, I did it. I can now call myself a triathlete. I wasn't going to do it. I was going to back out. The past few weeks my neck has been bothering me A LOT and so back on Lortab and muscle relaxers I went. To me, that meant no swim training. Whose going to do a triathlon with no swim training? It's one of the hardest things for me to do and I haven't swam since last year! Well, July 31st rolled around and I was still set on NOT doing it. I went in to pick up my race packet and shirt at 4pm (because hey, i already paid for it so I might as well have it!). I walked in and something took over me...I COULDN'T BACK OUT!! I had to do it, swim training or not.

I don't know what I was thinking!! I almost died in the pool the next day! Seriously, I thought that they were going to have to dive in after me because my heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn't catch my breath. I wanted to climb out and quit right then (about halfway through the swim portion). I persevered and ended swimming back stroke the rest of the way so I didn't die. Once on dry land everything was much better! My bike and run were really good and I ended up coming in right behind the girl I started behind in the pool. (She was an amazing swimmer and just took off in the pool which means my bike and run were good enough to catch back up to her). I was 4th in my age group and 34th out of 43 for my heat. I was so surprised and happy that I didn't come in last!! (Which was what I expected). I am so glad that I did it and can't wait to do more! One step closer to overcoming the anxiety that has been with me since the beginning of my heart problems. A major milestone....I have had 2 heart surgeries and I am now a triathlete!

Catching up on some summer activities

Friday June 19th- Carnival at Aunt Kristi's work- (AURP)

What's better than a carnival?! A FREE carnival! My sister's work was having a carnival for it's employees and their families and since her son was in California for the week with his dad, she asked if the boys' and I would like to come along. My mom also came with us. We had fun!

AURP- her work

it looks like I'm the only one having fun here, but really, they just don't like taking pictures.

Monday June 22- Fishing at Jensen Nature Preserve in Syracuse

We've gone fishing quite a few times this summer. Of course Blake likes playing with his cars more than sitting and watching his pole, but who can blame him?

June 24th- It was a hot day but Blake and Cole had been wanting to ride the Frontrunner down to Salt Lake for awhile so we decided to just go for it. We connected with TRAX and got off at Temple Square to go see the "I Am a Child of God" exhibit at the Church History Museum and then walk around Temple Square. We also stopped by the JSMB to get a snack before we headed home. The boys' loved the museum and the Temple but I think their favorite part was riding the train! I was just glad I didn't have to drive and I could relax and read while they stared out the window:0)

Cole's face is bright red from the heat

dressing up as wisemen

Cole feeding the baby...he is so going to be a great big brother

Blake as a doctor!

So I Think I Can Dance...Well, Maybe

I've been thinking a lot lately about new adventures I want to undertake. I have been blessed/cursed with a "have to do everything" mentality. Even in High School I hated that we could only have 2 elective courses because I couldn't do everything I wanted to do. I still managed to do Band, Colorguard, Drama, Key Club, Odyssey TV, Volleyball, Soccer (Ok, I only did that one for like a month), Dance at a studio, Drumline, and a handful of other things that I at least TRIED for a few weeks. I was never the person who could just pick one thing I loved and focus on that because I wanted to do and try everything. Maybe that was why I was never GREAT at anything. I was GOOD at a lot of things but never put my passion into one thing, I was always wearing thin on energy to give to each.

When I found photography I thought that it was the one thing that would make me extremely passionate and that I would hang on to. And it did! And here's the thing...I am actually pretty GREAT at it (not trying to sound conceited or anything, I was totally surprised that I was great at it...I thought it would take a lot longer for my photos to be up to par with the other photographers). So, I thought long and hard and decided that I wanted to be a photographer...to help out with some bills and to have an outlet for my creativity. I DID IT!! It came on so much quicker than I had anticipated...it has been 2 years and I was thinking that it would take me this long just to perfect the use of my camera and start building my portfolio. I was blessed to know people in the wedding industry that pulled for me along the way and got me shoots so I didn't have to spend money advertising but I also know that I was blessed with a talent and that Heavenly Father was their the whole way helping me refine that talent and make good use of it. I am in no way leaving the photography business, I am just not going to be doing as much of it. I used to go back and forth about wanting a big business and a big studio of my own...being known throughout the world (ok, maybe just known throughout Utah) as THE photographer...the one you want to have shoot your wedding. I searched a lot of photographer's blogs and realized though that they didn't do much else and that their time with their families suffered. Again, with me having the "have to do everything" mentality, that bothered me.

I only have one life and I am blessed with a husband who works so hard for us so that I can stay home with my kids and do all the sorts of crazy stuff that I do. Ok, so I say blessed and totally, without-a-doubt, mean that. But we have also made a lot of sacrifices for that. Of course I would love to have a bigger house, better furniture, more clothes...the list goes on and on, but I sacrifice those things so that I can stay home with my kids. We've also worked very hard to get to this point in our lives, through all the therapies with the kids when they were younger, Shawn changing jobs, and changing jobs again, and again, moving 13 times in our marriage, my 2 heart surgeries and everything (anxiety, depression) that went along with that, Blake's autism...we are NOW just feeling like we are getting stable. I know that we aren't guaranteed
stability, anthing can happen at anytime, but at least while we are here, not knowing what's in store for us next, (and not knowing how long it will take for us to get our baby) I feel that I want to do what I had always planned on doing and wanted so much...

...to get my BA in Dance

I know what you must be thinking...you're almost 27 1/2 when most of the girl's are 18-22
*You have 15 extra pounds that you have to lose first
*your flexibility has definitely dwindled (and i wasn't too flexible to begin with:0) )
*you have 2 kids and are trying to adopt
*You were never the best dancer...a good performer maybe, but technique was not a strong point...just because you love it with a passion doesn't mean you are ever going to be great.
*what about the kids while you are going to school

I know what you're thinking because these are my thoughts exactly!! I think I must be crazy.

I was researching the dance department at Weber State the other night...not having made any decisions, but the thought of dancing had just popped back into my head (and since I haven't been watching SYTYCD this season, I know it wasn't just the excitement from watching others dance). The next day I got this in the mail

and told myself it was a sign! (ok, not really a sign but I did think it was kind of cool but wouldn't base my decisions on it).

So, here's my plan...to go back to school Fall of 2010 at Weber State. That gives me a year to lose the extra weight, to become flexible again, to figure out all my financial aid and get all my stuff transferred over, to work on some technique on my own so that I don't go back to school totally out of practice, and to hopefully adopt a baby by then:0) Shawn's schedule changes every four months now but it won't change much and it will make it much easier for me to go to classes when he is home...plus, since they are dance classes, I won't have to worry about spending another hour during the day working out!

I am excited and I daydream about it all the time...now it is time to step up and make it happen. I wanted to have a photography business, and I do. I wanted to learn how to sew, and I did. I wanted to become a triathlete and on August 1st I will be one. I know that I can do this....I might be 35 by the time I graduate but I am a strong believer that age doesn't matter. I also know that anything can happen and that I might have to put it on hold...but I never want to think back to "what would have been".

Stay tuned to my blog for more insane things that I want to do in this lifetime!!

There are so many things in life to be passionate about, I don't think I could ever pick just one!

From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

I have pretty much had a one track mind lately. As if you couldn't already guess it's been all about trying to find our birth mom and baby Emily. It's tough just sitting here waiting and I try to be as proactive about it as I can, but try and draw the line when I feel I just want to go up to pregnant people on the street and ask them if I can have their baby! It's been a very emotional ride for us and together with some other things that have been going on in my family, it makes it harder for me not to get depressed and wonder why things happen the way they do and why some people can make the decisions that they do. I have been following the blog of a birth mom who chose to place her baby with an adoptive couple last year because she loved her baby girl so much that she wanted to give her everything that she could not give her at the time...a mother and father who loved each other, financial stability and so many many more things.
http://anabananandee.blogspot.com/2009/02/whole-story-part-1.html
I also follow the blog of the adoptive family she placed her baby with because it is awesome to see the perspective on the other side. How much love their is between the adoptive couple and the birthmom...adoption truly is a miracle on so many levels.
http://dustinandrea.blogspot.com/

While searching YouTube for a video of a Michael Mclain song that I love so much about adoption, I stumbled upon this video which is actually Andee (the birth mom whose blog I follow) singing while photos of her, the baby girl, and the adoptive family flash by. Since I have been emotionally invested in this family's story, it made me ball like a baby through the whole thing. I think it is a very powerful song and sends a good message that birth parents aren't taking the "easy way out" by placing their baby, and it's not because they don't love them. Their love is more sacred and deep than anyone who has never had to go through that could imagine. they love them so much to want a better life for them. It's not "easy" by any means. I have so much love and respect for all birth parents out there and I can't wait until we are blessed to find ours. I know we will become great friends, after all, if it wasn't for her selflessness, we would not be able to bring another child into our eternal family.

Pass It Along

These are our new pass-along cards that are being printed up. If any of you would like some to pass out for us, please let me know and i will GLADLY and APPRECIATIVELY mail them out to you!!

(The top is the front of the card and the bottom is the back)

$1.99 + tax

I've noticed recently that every store is coming out with cuter and cuter versions of their reusable bags. This one, from Michaels, I could not pass up. Best 2 bucks I ever spent!!

"I love to see the Temple...

..I'm going there someday."


Last week the boys' and I took the Frontrunner Train down to the Church History Museum in Salt Lake for the "I Am a Child of God" exhibit and then we walked around Temple Square for awhile. This photo melts my heart:0)

"You bought a boat?" -Monica

"Yeah but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend." -Jill (Rachael's sister) -FRIENDS
(okay, for those who don't know my family all that well, we tend to quote "Friends" in everything we say...I think we have seen all the episodes one too many times!)


Taking our boat out on Willard Bay- June 8th

Last year we bought a boat for just over $100.00. Nothing fancy, it had a motor and needed a lot of cosmetic work. (also some other work mechanically that when Shawn talks about it i tend to just nod my head and say "uh-huh"). Anyways, Shawn has been so excited to get this dinosaur of a boat up and running so that we could take it out on the lake. I have to say that I was not as excited....what happens if we got it out on the lake and it started to sink, or the motor quit working and we had to paddle all the way back. I mean, you get what you pay for, right? And since we didn't pay that much, I wasn't expecting much. Shawn agreed to go out on the boat once beforehand to make sure everything worked well before we drug the boys' out on the lake. Well, I was impressed that he didn't have any problems with it so I agreed it was time for us to go out on it. Now, it's not that big and not that fast (Shawn wanted it mainly for fishing) but eventually, if we ever have the money, we want to get a nice boat that we can take out for some water play. But, for now, we think this was a pretty nice investment for family fun...

(a "before" picture)

Trust in the Lord

6 Years Old!

I can't believe Blake turned 6 years old today!! He is getting so big it's ridiculous. I don't have much time to post right now I just wanted to tell my little man, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Royer Fam Sneak Peek!

I know you guys have been waiting to see your pictures and while these are definitely not all of them, I wanted to let you guys see a few! Thanks again Kristi, for the wedding shoot and letting me take all your family photos...you are one of my favorite families!! Thanks Travis and Brittany for letting me crash at your place! And of course, thanks to Brad, Amanda, Juarez and Karli for just being cool like that!:0) You guys are awesome!
So here are a few...in no particular order
(click on photo to see full image in flickr)

Does this look like work to you?

Me...just another day working. There are times when I LOVE my job:0)

(not the best photo...and don't ask me why I'm posing like this. I always feel like an idiot just standing there smiling by myself. I feel like my eyes got swallowed up by my cheeks! That or I am just squinting really badly!)

Please Help Us Get the Word Out

update- the web address no longer has beta in it...it is just
https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/10440835/ourMessage.jsf
Don't ask me why they don't make it easier with just a name or something:0)
(Click to see full image)

Heart Problems? What Heart Problems?!

I can't remember exactly when I told myself that I wanted to be known as a triathlete. It was sometime last year when I really thought "yeah, I can do this!" I trained for my first triathlon all summer...swimming, biking, running and was doing so well (at least in the biking and running categories) but when it came to swimming, I just needed more time in the pool...but that was hard because it took more time and it also took money to go swim at the rec center. I also changed my mind about doing an open water swim for my first triathlon. I had heard stories about swimmers who have "gone under" during the swim portion and because of my past heart problems i decided that maybe it was a better idea to stay in a pool for my first couple of times. Two weeks before my first triathlon in September, my neck pain(which I also have problems with) became so severe that I was on muscle relaxers. So much for training. "It's ok," I thought to myself, "I just must not be prepared enough and so I will wait for next year." This is next year and I still have not found the time to go do swim training but I was anxious to do SOMETHING towards my triathlete goal and so I found out about this duathlon that Hess Cancer Foundation was putting on (I did their 20 mile Legacy Bike Tour last year). I was bummed because i wasn't going to be here the day it was going on (it was supposed to be the day of my Denver trip). When I found out they changed it to May 2nd I was so excited because I knew I wanted to do it! And I did!!! In the pouring rain, no less! I did the short course which was a 2 mile run/ 10 mile bike/ 2 mile run and it was the coolest thing ever! I felt so empowered like "heart problems? what heart problems?" I still want to be a triathlete and hopefully I will be able to do swim training sometime this summer but as for now that was a great start and I enjoyed being able to accomplish it.


My bike and me (yes, i look horrible in this photo...my alarm didn't go off so i didn't get a chance to shower...i know, shower before a race? but it helps my muscles warm up and makes me feel a million times better...but i missed it this time) Oh and yes, I know that I don't have the traditional Bike or Run clothes...just way too overpriced for me right now!
This is what the drive to Farmington looked like that morning....soooo rainy!!
Not that many people actually showed up for it because of the rain, but I am hardcore like that!
Me, after the race. wet and cold down to my bones! again, I'm hardcore!
I love getting the t-shirts from races! Of course they are not always nice looking (as you can tell from this one) but it is a sign of accomplishment to me!
My race number
My medal (the stars light up)

80 Degrees....such a change from last week (and from my weekend in Denver). Blake and Cole got a slip-n-slide from the Easter Bunny and everyday they asked if it was warm enough to play on it...today it was!! They had so much fun (although Cole still gets a little cautious about sliding) and they even played with bubbles and colored with sidewalk chalk. This is what it means to be a kid!

10 years later

I think that the Columbine High School Massacre on April 20, 1999 had an impact on so many people around the country and if you were in high school at that time it definitely made you a little more aware of your surroundings, a little more afraid to go to school, and a little more appreciative of your friends and family. I was a junior the year that it happened and I know that it definitely had an effect on me. We got a lot of threats at our school after that. I remember one of them being that there was going to be a shooting in the quad during lunch and so everyone was scared to go out there to eat. We did have a few days where we were put on lockdown because of threats or people wandering around the premises. You could feel the fear of every student in the air...if it could happen in the small city of Littleton, Colorado then it could happen anywhere. We started to look at our peers differently wondering who we had treated badly and who might become a person who sought revenge. I know I wondered if I would have had enough courage as the kids' who stories came out about them saying that yes, they did believe in God and then they were shot. It is something, like September 11th, that will stay in my mind forever.



While I was in Denver over the weekend, I was staying pretty close to the school and felt the need to go and see it for myself. I did not go to the Columbine Memorial though as there were many many people there because it was the day before the 10 year anniversary. There was a reverance there as I stopped in the deserted parking lot (it was Sunday) and looked around at the scenery that we all saw captured on the news. What must it have been like to go through something like that? I can only hope that by the time my kids get to high school (or even in their elementary and jr high years) that they will never have to experience something so gruesome and cold-hearted. Or that they might never even have to experience the fear that comes with "if it happened there it could happen anywhere".